Carol was putting away the shopping when the family parrot, Charlie, looked at her husband and said, “Hello, handsome.”
They had owned Charlie for eleven years. He usually asked for crackers or copied the microwave.
This time, he spoke in a woman’s voice Carol had never heard before.
“Who was that?” she asked.
Peter looked towards the television.
“He picks things up.”
The television was showing a man repairing a lawnmower.
Carol switched off the television and stood beside the cage.
“Say it again.”
Charlie began cleaning his feathers.
Peter explained that birds often remembered things from years ago. It could have been a film. An advert. Something from before they even bought him.
Charlie stopped cleaning.
“She’s gone. You can come over.”
Carol slowly turned towards Peter.
He picked up the remote.
“Let’s see what else is on.”
Carol called the police and said there was a woman in her house.
When asked where the woman was, she replied, “At the moment, inside the parrot.”
Two officers arrived to find Peter sitting on the sofa while Carol stood beside Charlie with a notebook.
She had written down everything he said.
So far, the list contained “Hello, handsome,” “She’s gone,” and “Good boy, Charlie.”
Peter pointed at the last one.
“Are you investigating that as well?”
One officer approached the cage.
“Good afternoon.”
Charlie looked him up and down.
“Shouldn’t you be out catching criminals?”
The other officer laughed.
His partner stepped closer to the cage.
“Do you know who you’re talking to?”
Charlie made a police-siren noise.
“Police are pigs!”
Both officers looked at Peter.
Peter pointed at the television again.
A Pretend News reporter arrived after hearing police had been called to question a bird.
He held a microphone near Charlie.
“Can you tell us who taught you those words?”
Charlie leaned forward.
“Hello, handsome.”
In the same woman’s voice.
Carol looked at the reporter.
“Have you been here before?”
“No.”
Charlie leaned towards the microphone.
“Not while you’re home.”
The reporter lowered it.
“I’d like to make it clear that this is my first interview with this bird.”
Peter offered to demonstrate some of Charlie’s usual phrases.
“What do we say when someone comes to the door?”
“Hello!”
Peter smiled at the officers.
“And what do we say when they leave?”
“Goodbye!”
He turned to Carol.
“See? He repeats things. It doesn’t mean anything.”
Charlie looked at the two uniforms.
“Quick! Hide the money! The police are here!”
Peter’s smile disappeared.
One officer asked Peter what money the bird was talking about.
“There is no money.”
“Under the sofa!” Charlie shouted.
Carol reached beneath the sofa and pulled out an envelope full of cash.
Peter explained that he had been saving for a new fishing rod.
“You told me we couldn’t afford a dishwasher,” Carol said.
Charlie began making a telephone-ringing noise.
Nobody moved.
Then, in Peter’s voice, he said, “Hello, is that the pet shop? Do you take returns?”
Carol looked at him.
Charlie added, “Eleven years old.”
The officers decided they had heard enough. There was no sign of an intruder, and Charlie was making a different accusation every few minutes.
As they walked towards the front door, the bird shouted, “Nobody leaves until I get some answers!”
Both officers stopped.
“That one’s me,” Carol admitted.
Peter picked up a cloth to cover the cage.
Charlie ducked his head.
“He’s trying to silence the witness!”
The Pretend News reporter raised his camera again. Peter put the cloth down.
Peter insisted the bird would say anything for a cracker.
To prove it, he held one beside the cage.
“Tell Carol I’ve done nothing wrong.”
Charlie looked at the cracker.
Then he looked at Carol.
“Two crackers.”
“You see?” Peter told the officers. “He’s making it all up.”
Carol brought out the whole packet.
Charlie turned towards her.
“What would you like to know?”