1. Caught on the sofa
Margaret and Frank had watched the same television show together every evening for years. She made the tea, he found the remote, and neither was allowed to start without the other.
On Tuesday, Margaret returned from the shops to find Frank sitting on the sofa, watching an episode they hadn’t seen.
When he noticed her, he closed his eyes.
“Frank.”
He began snoring.
“I watched you turn the volume up.”
Frank opened one eye.
“I’ve been asleep.”
“You’re holding a biscuit.”
“I was eating it before I fell asleep.”
“You just dipped it in your tea.”
2. Frank gives his side
A Pretend News reporter arrived after Frank contacted us to ask whether watching something with your eyes closed still counted.
“I pressed something on the remote by mistake,” he explained. “Then I fell asleep.”
Margaret stood in the doorway.
“He wasn’t asleep.”
“I was resting my eyes.”
“They were open.”
Frank turned to our reporter.
“Are you going to ask me any questions, or is she doing the interview?”
3. Margaret responds
That afternoon, Margaret played Frank’s favourite song while he was in the garden.
He hurried inside just as it finished.
“You know we always listen to that together.”
Margaret looked at our reporter.
“Did you hear something?”
Frank asked her to play it again.
“I’m deaf from today,” she announced.
Later, Frank quietly opened the fridge.
“Leave that cheese alone,” Margaret called from upstairs.
4. The friendship ends
Frank then discovered that Margaret had unfriended him on Facebook.
He walked into the kitchen holding his phone.
“We’ve been married for forty-two years.”
“And now we’re not friends.”
Margaret posted a photograph of him on the sofa.
“This man watched our show without me and then pretended to be asleep. Forty-two years of marriage.”
Their neighbour, Linda, commented:
“Oh my God, that was such a good episode! I couldn’t believe she divorced him and married his brother!”
Margaret stared at her phone.
Frank leaned toward our reporter.
“You are probably friends with her. Has she said anything about me?”
Margaret stood up.
“Get your coat. We’re going to Linda’s.”
5. A visit to Linda’s
Linda answered the door with her husband, George, behind her.
“Why would you tell me she divorces him and marries his brother?” Margaret demanded. “I haven’t seen it!”
“Neither have I,” George said.
Linda turned to him.
“Oh, don’t worry. The brother dies.”
George picked up his coat.
“Where are you going?” Linda asked.
“I don’t know. Don’t tell me.”
6. Frank refuses dinner
That evening, Margaret made Frank’s favourite meal: meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and gravy.
Frank refused to touch it.
“She needs to understand that there are consequences,” he told Pretend News.
Margaret pulled his plate toward her and began eating.
Two hours later, our reporter found Frank eating dry crackers in the hallway.
“Is your protest working?”
“She’s eaten my dinner and thanked me.”
7. An attempt at peace
The next morning, Margaret found Frank sitting beside her on the sofa wearing a suit.
“Where are you going?”
“Nowhere. We’re having a meeting.”
He placed a handwritten agreement on the coffee table. It said that neither of them could watch their show without the other.
Margaret read it.
“Fine. Put your favourite song on there too.”
“And you accept my friend request.”
“And you admit you were watching.”
Frank picked up the paper.
“I’ll need a lawyer.”
8. The lawyers arrive
By Wednesday, Frank had hired a lawyer to prove that falling asleep during an episode did not count as watching it.
Margaret hired another.
Frank’s lawyer proposed that the couple watch the episode again and move on.
“No,” Margaret said. “He’ll keep looking at me before something happens.”
Margaret’s lawyer asked whether Frank remembered any of the plot.
“Absolutely nothing,” Frank said.
His lawyer nodded.
“Then this should be straightforward.”
“It gets complicated when they get a divorce,” Frank added.
9. Reviewing the evidence
The lawyers agreed to watch the episode together before deciding who was right.
Margaret’s lawyer stepped into the kitchen to take a phone call.
“Wait for me.”
“Of course.”
When he returned, Frank’s lawyer was watching the television.
“You started?”
“Only a few minutes.”
“I specifically asked you to wait.”
“I can put it back.”
“That’s not the point.”
Margaret and Frank stood in the doorway, watching.
Frank’s lawyer reached for the remote.
“Fine. We’ll start again.”
“No. Now you’ll keep looking at me before something happens.”
Frank leaned toward Margaret.
“Should we get them lawyers?”
Margaret took his hand.
“Let’s go to dinner before they ask us to pay for this.”