Family and friends had gathered for a wedding on Saturday afternoon. The bride was walking down the aisle, the groom was waiting at the front, and his mother was already crying.
She had spent the morning telling guests that her son had finally found the perfect woman. Nobody had asked, but she told them anyway.
During the ceremony, a stray cat wandered through an open door and settled near the front.
Then the officiant asked whether anyone objected.
The cat looked up.
“Meow.”
The groom’s mother stood immediately.
“No, you do not.”
The cat knew neither the bride nor the groom, which the groom’s mother considered particularly rude.
The ceremony continued, but she was already calling the police.
Two officers arrived after the ceremony and found the cat beneath a table.
“That’s him,” the groom’s mother said. “He tried to stop my son’s wedding.”
One officer explained that they could not arrest a cat for meowing.
“He wasn’t meowing. He waited for the question.”
His partner opened his notebook.
“Was he invited?”
“No.”
He underlined something.
“So he came specifically to object.”
A Pretend News reporter was also at the wedding. We had added him to the guest list shortly after inventing it.
He crouched beside the cat and held out his microphone.
“Would you like to explain your objection?”
The cat turned toward him.
“Meow.”
Our reporter stood up immediately.
“He has declined to comment.”
He continued reporting from behind the groom’s mother.
“You can’t arrest a cat for objecting,” the officer told her.
“Then ask him to take it back.”
The officer crouched down.
“Do you withdraw your objection?”
“Meow.”
He turned to his partner.
“He’s objected again.”
The officers announced that the cat was under arrest for repeatedly disrupting a marriage.
The bride pointed out that she was already married.
“We’re trying to keep it that way,” the groom’s mother replied.
The cat watched as one officer approached with handcuffs at arm’s length. His partner stood beside him, facing the other direction.
“Are you watching him?”
“I thought you were.”
Without looking down, the first officer closed a cuff around his partner’s wrist. His partner returned the favour.
“Got him.”
“That’s me.”
“Then who have I got?”
“That’s also me.”
The cat remained seated, waiting for someone to open a packet of food.
A wedding guest eventually helped free the officers. The groom’s mother asked whether they could hurry up because the photographer was charging by the hour.
An officer opened the rear door of the police car.
The cat jumped inside voluntarily.
The police report later described this as “a difficult arrest.”
The cat settled beside the window and stared out at the officers. Both remained on the pavement.
“You drive.”
“You arrested him.”
“We arrested him.”
One suggested calling another police car to tow it.
The cat was put in a cell with two enormous criminals.
“Not him again,” one said. “He walked into the bank I was robbing. The cashier stopped to feed him.”
The other recognised him too.
“He was asleep on a car I wanted to steal.”
“So?”
“I waited three hours. The owner came back.”
The cat climbed onto the bottom bunk. Both men moved.
The next morning, the groom’s mother arrived at court carrying a wedding photograph.
She held it up for the judge.
“Look how happy my son is. That cat tried to prevent this.”
The judge studied the charge.
“Repeatedly disrupting a marriage?”
“Twice,” an officer confirmed.
“Was the second time during the ceremony?”
“No. We asked him to do it again.”
The judge put down the paperwork.
The judge dismissed the case.
The groom’s mother stood.
“I object!”
Both officers reached for their cuffs.
“Do you withdraw your objection?”
“No. Somebody needs to teach that animal a lesson.”
Minutes later, the two criminals watched the groom’s mother arrive in the cat’s old cell.
“What are you in for?”
“I objected to my son’s wedding being interrupted.”
One turned to the other.
“The cops are putting people away without anyone even robbing anything now.”